I Am Leaving Miss Perfect….

“We fell in love in a hopeless place.” – Rihanna

The other day I was watching an old episode of “Sex and the City” where Charlotte declared that a person generally has two great loves in his/her life. I paused for a moment and discovered that there is some truth to this. Then again, I view myself as most similar to the Charlotte character – 1000%. A conservative and an idealist. A romanticist who was always searching for someone to ‘save’ her. Anyway, back to my initial thought. Do you believe that you can have two great loves in your life? Think about it from the perspective of Hollywood movies/TV shows.

The list goes on, and you get the hint! Well how would this be different from real life? Having two great loves could mean (1) there was the one who got away or things didn’t work out and (2) you end up with the person who complements and balances you.

When I was a teenager, my two great loves were Ben and Jerry. Then my life changed forever when I finally met the two TRUE loves. Well 2.5 great loves if you count my doggie, Taz. Hee. I used to believe that you’ll always remember your first love. Over the years, I’ve deviated from this ideology especially when I felt secured and loved in my relationship with Robert. Nowadays I believe in the philosophy that you will always remember your last everything. At the risk of sounding morbid, but if I were to die tomorrow I’ll remember the final kiss and the final “I love you” from Robert, and most importantly the final love with Robert. I can only imagine my final thoughts to be that I have loved and been loved by a great man, and no ‘firsts’ can compete with that. Now I won’t discount the fact that my first love shaped and transformed me into the person I am today. And for a long time, I compared all potential relationships to that first love. Fortunately the comparison ended when I realize one day that Robert doesn’t deserve to be compared to anyone for Robert is a unique person, just as our love is unique and sustainable.

The other day I had a lovely chat with the driver of the taxi cab who took me home from DC’s Union Station. He was a sweet, elderly and presumably retired man who lives in a cottage with his wife in the Maryland mountains. A 45-minute cab ride turned into an enthralling exchange of love stories and memories of romance. Here was a stranger divulging his deepest secrets to me and sharing his tales of woe and true love. I’m used to taxi cab confessions, but this one was very special and captivating. The driver’s first love was a woman he’d been with for several decades, with the marriage not working out in the end. He asserted that before his first wife’s death, she had been absolved of guilt and resentment. He felt as though she died peacefully and got closure from their relationship. A year after her death, the taxi driver reunited with a long time friend whom he’s known for over 25 years. According to him, he had a friendship with this woman that involved wrong circumstances under wrong timing until they crossed paths one fateful day. I asked him if there was one defining moment that made him realize that their relationship should be escalated to the next level. His response was that he recalled courageously disclosing his feelings for her, and to his surprise she also reciprocated those feelings. And well..the rest is history and they’ve been married for over 11 years. Now the couple wants to publish their love story for the world to hear and enjoy. Such a lovely treat to be in great company during this time of year.

Maybe Charlotte York is on to something after all, with her “You’re only allowed two great loves” concept.

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It is time to look for a new job. I have had it. Yes I’ve said this many times before, but truthfully this is it. My patience is wearing thin. The more I put in, the less I get out. And management wonders why they lose talented people in their organizations. Disloyalty. Dishonesty. Overtime hours for nothing. Self-improvement or self-development? A total joke. It’s too much to ask for support and encouragement.

I’m sad. Disappointed. Very upset. I should know better to trust people at work. In the end, nobody has your back except your true friends.

All I need is that one job that makes me fulfilled and happy………………Come on God. Just give me a sign. Please.

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Do you believe in the idea of star-crossed lovers? Romeo and Juliet? Lancelot and Guinevere? I believe in such idea because this happened to me before I met Robert. I realize you’re probably wondering why the hell I’m writing about such experience, considering I am now married. Just wait and continue reading. It is the story of such experience that helps me restore my faith in true love when Robert came into my life.

Star-crossed lovers are those who are brought together through circumstance only to be torn apart by fate. Whether it’s family, distance, time, or moral differences that prevent two people to be joined as one, the theme remains the same. When I think of star-crossed lovers, I think unbridled passion, stupid arguments, and young foolish love. Passion. Isn’t that a word in the dictionary? Doesn’t it mean: a powerful emotion, such as love, joy, hatred, or anger? Isn’t it something that refers to what Romeo and Juliet once had? How many of us have ever felt it? Not many. Remember, I am talking about passion, not lust. People who are passionate love hard, hate hard, and have a joy for living others can only envy.

Whether you are a believer of the concept of star-crossed love, fate is the common thread in any situation. You see – fate can be a terrible or wonderful force to reckon with, depending on the action the person chooses. Even if two people are ill-fated souls, I believe it is their dogged spirits and faith in each other that can really change the outcome of their love story. There’s something so devastatingly beautiful and heartbreaking about two people who are so absolute about their love for one another, but they are forever tortured knowing that they cannot and will not be together.

Before I met Robert, there was one person (let’s called him Mr. X) that meant anything and everything in the world to me. Many nights were spent laughing and crying on the phone spanning an off-and-on long distance relationship, including plenty of ridiculous fights from 2002-2005. God, Mr. X and I were so young – still in college and trying to find our ways and purpose in life. I think chance can be considered as having an opportunity to do different things. Fate may be considered to be the sickness and death that all beings must experience. I do believe in fate to a certain extent because sometimes there are just too many coincidences bringing the right people and the right events and the right situations together to make me believe that it wasn’t a situation of “This is what I’m meant to be doing right here, right now, this is perfect.”

Chemistry is hard to define sizzle between a man and a woman, and it was based upon chance to see if we had that chemistry or not. It’s like bringing together the exposed ends of two live electrical wires and watching the sparks fly. The key to creating and sustaining chemistry is in bringing together the right characters. Mr. X and I had chemistry alright. The first time I laid my eyes on him, I knew I was going to love him until my last breath. Love has NOTHING to do with meeting the ‘right’ one at the ‘right’ time at the ‘right’ place. Love just happens for no reason at all. It was also chance that we lived so far apart from each other — 800+ miles. I truly think that it was fate AND chance that brought Mr. X and me together at that time. However in the end, it was free-will on both our parts to finally be together but also separate from each other forever.

Just like how all star-crossed lovers end up, Mr. X and I did not survive together. It was a combination of a lot of factors that ultimately drove us apart: time, distance, and wrong circumstances. We just knew we were better off without each other. For days, weeks, and months my heart was broken – thinking I could never find a love like that again. For years, I clung on to the belief that I will find a person that completes me and makes me want to be a better person. Then one day I ran across this anonymous quote: “You must not allow yourself to be chained to fate, to be ruled by your genes. In order to survive you must choose life, and then LIVE.” Following this guidance, I chose to live – without Mr. X. Believe it or not, life DOES go on after the chemistry fizzles out. I also chose to grow up and grow out of that foolish mentality that true love ends tragically. Then Robert magically appeared into my life and made me believe in a better life with unrequited love. A simple love. A love that does not require 4293940 moving parts or fights over petty things. A love that is designed and blessed by the love gods. You see, one tragedy led to a happy and unexpected outcome. I was right: I could never find a love like that ever again. Instead, I found a better form of love – one that is sustainable and long-lasting. It was as if the stars are now finally in alignment for Robert and me.

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Sometimes when I look at Robert, I am perplexed at how someone can love me unconditionally and accept me for who I am. Robert is truly a wonderful person who tolerates my bratty and bitchy attitude most of the time. Don’t get me wrong – Robert will put his foot down when enough is enough. Similarly Robert’s annoying habits and absent-minded ways can drive me absolutely insane sometimes, but I also reciprocate the same tolerance for him. He and I call each other out on our b.s., and we wouldn’t have it any other way. After all, if you love someone you love and embrace everything about that person, from the good, bad, ugly, stinky, dirty, and silly – right…?? Then again I did mention this in my wedding vows: “In good times and in bad, I will be my best for you. With all that I am and all that I have, now and forever.”

Last night while browsing through my old Livejournal blog posts, I started compiling a chronology of events that were ironic, if not funny and poignant about the evolution of my feelings and thoughts on love which ultimately foreshadow my romance with Robert. Here they are:

October 1, 2011: I married the love of my life.

Isn’t it funny how things turn out in life?

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Almost eight months ago on this day, I was sitting at the gates of Jacksonville International Airport waiting to go home to DC after a week-long business trip. To my surprise, the flight was six hours delayed so I decided to watch “Up in the Air” on my iPhone. I was traveling by myself at the time, just like I always do with business trips. Usually I prefer to read or watch movies to kill the time, but this was an unusually long delay. I cannot recall the reason for the delay, and presumably it was caused by a mechanical issue.

If you have not seen the movie, “Up in the Air,” you should definitely see it. The movie engrossed me completely, and I did not realize what a cathartic viewing experience it was. You see, at the time I was traveling about 65% of the time – though not as much as George Clooney’s character did in the movie. I related to almost every aspect of the movie, ranging from the ‘travel etiquette’ to the frequent flier perks that you learn to take advantage of. Yet, the most paramount element in the movie that I quickly identified with was the pure loneliness that came with such a demanding job. Last year was the most challenging work year for me, which also had a domino effect on my relationship with Robert. At the end of “Up in the Air” I sobbed so hard that I called Robert to let him know how miserable I was with my job. The tears were uncontrollable, but it felt SO good to release all that. Honestly up until that moment I had not cried like that in years. I believe the tears were a product of my stressful job, combined with the compounded lonely moments I felt traveling by myself.

What most people don’t realize is that my job demands flexibility, and ritual is the opposite of that. I’ve always favored having structure in my life, but how was I going to be able to accomplish such polarizing tasks? It was not easy that’s for sure. I really enjoyed the traveling aspect of my job in the beginning, but the honeymoon period quickly escaped as the travel demands intensified. It’s almost as if I was falling out of love with the traveling portion of my job. Over the course of the year, I learned to think of every work element as a component of a major ritual, whether it was creating an order for packing things in my suitcase or saying a prayer before and after a flight takeoff. Robert and I also created our own rituals. We always exchange “I love yous” via text messages or phone calls before the plane wheels hit the air. Robert would always show up with Taz at the airport to pick me up when he can. Yet no matter how hard I tried to incorporate these travel routines into a functional structure, I felt like I was not successful in overcoming these obstacles.

People have expressed to me about how glamorous my job is, when they honestly do not realize the constraints and burden associated with it. Living in hotels, packing and unpacking constantly, waking up in a strange place not realizing which city you’re in. These are the perfect examples of how UNsexy a heavy work/travel schedule can be. It’s even more challenging to handle situations like these when you cherish your relationship with a significant other.

As much as I complain about the exhaustion I feel from traveling so much, I appreciate the opportunities that have come my way. I really do! Come on – when else am I going to London, San Diego, or Kenya for ‘free’ (client’s expense)? Believe me, I feel incredibly blessed to have been given such wonderful and rare life experiences. I have never taken these opportunities for granted nor will I in the future. Furthermore, Robert sometimes compensates by using my frequent flyer miles/hotel points for trips to visit me. In fact if it weren’t for the traveling I did in 2010, I would have never been able to capitalize on these perks for our destination wedding.

The magnitude of my travel schedule was scaled down in 2011 fortunately, which I thought would help improve my attitude about my job. I was wrong. There were so many shitty things that happened to my job this year that I cannot let go. Shitty things said and done to me by shitty people. The unpredictable travel schedule is only a diminutive factor in the aggregate evaluation of this job. I’ve reached an impasse in my life now, which means I need to change my approach to the whole problem. I just need to figure out the solution and take a risk in my life before it’s too late. It’s not about staying up later to finish a client project, working harder, or doing more quality work for the company. Something must change….soon.

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OMGosh, Anthropologie finally has a bridal shop: BHLDN. I am screeching with excitement! I love Anthropologie so much, that about 30% of my wardrobe comes from there. I see a couple of dress options for the wedding rehearsal. So cute!! <3

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I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since I’ve blogged. Oh. my. gawd. Where did the time go..? :\ What a lazy blogger I’ve been!! Let’s hope that I can keep this blog more active in the future. I remembered blogging on a daily basis starting in 2002, when I was in a different place in life: a college student going through the motions of life and coping with one of the most horrible break-ups ever. Blogging used to be a therapeutic and necessary ritual that helped me manage the (undiagnosed) depression and anxiety where I enjoyed the absence of judgment. Let’s not speak of those webcam girl days either. *Shudder* So why the lack of frequent blog updates? I have no idea…Maybe it’s because of the stability and lack of turbulence and drama in my life for the past few years? Nevertheless going forward – there will be more periodic blog updates. On a good note, I’ve been able to develop and maintain great online friendships through the years thanks to the online communities that I’ve found. People who were once Internet strangers are now some of my closest friends and confidants, and I’m so grateful for their continuous love and support.

Although I value my privacy in “real” life, I understand that it’s contradictory for me to own a blog where full disclosure is made to anyone and everyone. So why do people even have blogs? After all, isn’t it easier and less time-consuming to type mundane thoughts in 140 characters rather than putting effort in writing something meaningful? Now let’s not forget that Tweeting is a form of micro-blogging, but why do I prefer blogging over micro-blogging? Well, I absolutely love blogging because it allows for unlimited ranting and it is a conduit between the writer and the world. In some ways, blogging is more interactive and fulfilling than letting your “friends” know that you’re going to the bathroom. I mean – really? Who cares? Okay I digress…..So yes, back to my point – blogging is for thinking, connecting, and being passionate! I’d like to think that blogging is the older, wiser, and much more serious sibling of the spontaneous micro-blogging. Tweeting and FB’ing have now become a revolution of an evolution, and that evolution began with Blogging (in my opinion).

With a personal blog, I am in total control of the content and aesthetics, which means I don’t have to worry about censorship or offending someone with my real or perceived controversial words. Most of the time I have a lot to say, and 140 characters is not adequate for expressing myself. I also get to design my blog layout and add awesome WordPress plug-ins, and that’s super fun! I don’t have many opportunities to articulate my views on the world because many hours of my day are spent emailing and advising my government contractor clients. So a blog is a critical platform in helping me escape the mundane routine and generate dialog and communicate random thoughts.

Furthermore, I feel like you don’t get to “know” a person through Facebook or Twitter. Yeah you see photos of your ‘friends’ putting up peace signs, but honestly – what the hell do you know about your friends..? Not a damn thing. Well alright you know their birthdays and relationship status, but how do you create a meaningful relationship with those ‘friends’? Surely there are people who care about seeing 439230230 friends on their FB friends list. Maybe I’m just a traditionalist who believes in getting to know people beyond the surface, which goes back to the fundamental belief of quality of friendships over quantity.

Bottom line: I think blogging is fun, and blogging reminds me that it’s acceptable to be yourself to an anonymous audience.

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So after checking out what the United States Census 2010 Form looks like, I noted a rather interesting question. See below. I didn’t realize that the U.S. still recognizes “Negro” as a race. Come on!!!!! Like Robert said, “The census seems rather stuck in the 1790′s.” I totally agree!

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When I was in high school, I didn’t consider myself desirable or attractive in any way. I had crushes on boys, but the feelings were never reciprocated. I’ve had “romantic” online interludes with random guys since I was 15, but nothing serious ever came out of those innocent chats. I didn’t even have a boyfriend until my senior year in high school when I was 17 years old. I found my first boyfriend online randomly via AOL chat, and interestingly enough – it was his birthday when we first talked. His name is Marc. He was a sweet boy who lived an hour south of my house at the time. It’s kind of scary now that I think about it. My dad wasn’t really monitoring my online activities back then, so I would get away with some things. Gosh, I can’t imagine what my life would have been if my parents were aware of what I was doing behind their backs. Although my parents were extremely strict, they somehow never found out about my meetings with random strangers. I was always relieved when my parents didn’t question my whereabouts, but now that I look back on it – I wished they did find out because that would’ve meant that they cared enough about my life to ask….

In the past, guys have driven or flown to hang out with me. A couple of guys would drive for two hours (one way) to take me out to dinner, and that was it. My rule was to never meet the guys on their territories in case anything happened. The first time I met my third serious boyfriend was when he flew from Philly to see me. I can’t recall a time where I met a guy in a “normal” or traditional setting (i.e., bar, through friends). All of my serious relationships resulted from some kind of online connection, with the majority of them initiated by the guys. In fact, I met Robert on MySpace, and just like previous relationships – he contacted me first. I guess I’ve been *lucky* when it came to meeting strange guys in real life. Yes, a lot of things could’ve happened to me, and I’m so grateful that nothing did happen to me. Every time I went out to meet someone, I wouldn’t tell my parents. I’d tell at least one friend though. Yeah I know – VERY naive of me.

So yes, I was never the girl that guys would think of when you ask them who their crushes were. Yet, something happened in my life to change all of that. I discovered the secrets to make guys go crazy over me. This girl is not going to kiss and tell, but I’ll tell you this, one of the secrets is: just be yourself. How simple is that! I realized that the more “real” I am with guys, the more attracted they are to me. I played mind games and did stupid shit through the years, and none of that ever worked (or lasted). Excuse my arrogance but there were a few guys who have asked me back after I refused to. In one instance, a married guy (ex co-worker) admitted that he was in love with me in front of his wife AND Robert! Yeah….that was interesting to say the least! This guy claimed that he *knew* he loved me when he first met me even though (1) his now wife and he were together then; and (2) this guy knew nothing about me. This guy definitely had mental issues, and it’s a good thing that I severed all ties with him when things got more bizarre. It was UBER creepy!!! I mean, WHO does that?!

Every time I’m friendly/nice to a guy, it appears that the guy gets the wrong impression. I don’t know what it is! I don’t think I possess any extraordinary traits or skills that would captivate someone’s attention. Maybe it’s because I’m a good listener? Maybe it’s because I’m charming? It just amazes that for 17 years, guys would never take a second to get to know me. Nowadays, they stop and talk to me because they want to. I’m always curious as to what triggers this interest for the guys. Is it because of my personality? Is it because they know I’m unavailable, so the chase becomes more exciting because they know they can’t have what they want? I know I’m unique, but that doesn’t make me special enough to catch someone’s eyes. Right?? In a way, I found solace through online dating because I could be whoever I wanted to be. I suppose there is something sexy and mysterious about a girl who’s scared to show off her true exterior. If a girl expressed her problems to a guy, the guy becomes attentive and worried. He wants to help her. It is SOOOOOOO tempting to drop everything and “rescue” her. Maybe in some barbaric ways, he wants to show her that he can make her forget about every problem she has. In his mind, he wants her to know that it’s okay to talk to him. Yet she pushes him away, subconsciously testing him. She wants to see if she can push him over the edge. Will he succumb to the frustration or continue to push back? Is it all mind games? It’s all relative. Yet, he wants to be her hero. He wants to rescue her from the chains of life. He wants to embrace her, shower her with adoration, and support her.

Yet………..

All she really wants is time. Time to find herself. Time to show people that she’s as fragile and sensitive as the next girl. Of course, she would NEVER admit that because of her stubborn nature. But most importantly, because of her pride. She doesn’t want to be rescued. Or does she? As much as I hate admitting this, I’ve become this “girl” over the years. This “damsel in distress” character eventually captured the hearts of many foolish boys, but none of it mattered because something would always prevent me from being myself. Perhaps my intoxicating, neurotic personality was just too overwhelming for these boys. There have been many fallen heroes who couldn’t handle being with me or being around me. And that’s why I love Robert so much. He did rescue me, but most importantly – he never gave up on me. While I never believed in fairy tale endings, I’m hoping to make my own one day and not be this girl anymore.

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I’ve seen a lot of beautiful weddings on TV and online, but what makes me giddy the most is seeing the couples’ special touches in those weddings. I think it’s very important that a couple stay true to themselves on one of the most amazing days of their lives. One of my friends got married on an Alaskan glacier with no friends and family (how crazy is that!), but that was what they wanted and I was super happy for them. With regards to Robert’s and my wedding, we are having a totally NON-traditional wedding – although not as adventurous as my friend’s Alaskan wedding. The future hubby and I decided that there will be no bridesmaids. No groomsmen. The ceremony and/or the reception will be held outdoors on a beach somewhere, or with a view of the Pacific Ocean. No church weddings for us. And you know what? We’re very happy with that decision. We know it’s a colossal commitment to ask our friends to be a part of our wedding, so that’s why we decided against the idea of it. It’s completely unfair to ask our friends to spend time and money on our behalf, and we don’t have the hearts to do that to them. Instead, I’m planning on asking my very closest girl friends to spend time with me in the bridal suite on the day of, and Robert will do the same with his boys (in his own suite of course). All of this planning actually got me thinking (surprise surprise). I don’t really have many girl friends. I only have 1.5 girl friends in the DC area. It’s 1.5 because there’s one girl who’s truly Robert’s friend, so she’s technically not “my” friend, but Robert and I hang out with that girl and her boyfriend sometimes. All of my closest gfs are scattered throughout the country. A couple girls in LA. One is in Atlanta. And that’s about it…….The reality of the situation is that while I would love to have people attend a bridal shower or bachelorette party, I know that I won’t be able to have either celebration – like a “traditional” bride. Although I’m a bit sad about this, I would rather have my friends be there with me on the only day that matters. I’ve accepted this fact, so it is what it is.

As far as having gfs in my life, I’ve always struggled with this. I have one really, really, really good friend since high school, and that’s about it in terms of longevity of female friendships. I’ve kept in touch with some people through the years, but no other girl has stood by my side like this friend. What’s funny is that I’ve been getting FB friend requests from female classmates that I hardly communicated with when I was in high school. It makes me wonder why these people even want to befriend me now, after all these years. Nevertheless, I still accepted their requests because a small part of me wants to know what they’ve been up to in the past decade. Then there are the friends’ requests from my sorority sisters from UGA, which surprised me the most. There was a point in my life when I really needed my sorority sisters, but they weren’t there for me then so I know things will never be the same. And now all of a sudden, 9+ years later, these girls re-surface from nowheresville and are now my FB friends. It’s all so very strange, but it’s another chapter in my life that I’m embracing.

I’m still puzzled as to why it’s so difficult to become friends with girls. I cannot and do not want to open myself to people, particularly girls. I have extremely high standards for girls if they want to become my friend. Having admitted that, I don’t go out of my way to be friends with anyone. I’ve been betrayed by girls before, just like guys. Yet, I find it much easier to be friends with guys than girls. Maybe it’s because of the strained relationship I had with my mother while growing up. I don’t want to displace the blame onto my mother, but I do see the association between my childhood experience with my mom and the inability to trust girls. For those who have been faithful readers of my blog, you know that I have not gotten along well with my mother. However, for the past four years, my relationship with my mom has improved significantly. It’s like all of a sudden, she’s now behaving like a mother, which is something she should have done years ago. Then again, better late than never right?

I wish I could have girls’ night out every so often, but I don’t know how to go about doing that. When I joined the Firm, I thought it’d be easier to make friends with girls because it’s a huge organization. Yet, I haven’t had much success with that either, but I have managed to befriend with one girl at work, and to me that’s a huge stepping stone. It sounds silly doesn’t it? I once heard on the radio that women tend to have various “types” of female friendships. For example, you can have a friend who is a shopping buddy, but that’s all that the relationship will be based on. Then you can be friends with someone who emotionally connects and empathizes with you in every situation. I truly believe in that radio statement. I don’t think I have one friend who is the Holy Grail of all female friendships. Each girl has something unique and valuable to bring to the friendship, and that’s why I love my friends. The abundance of love and support I receive from my friends is more than I can handle sometimes. I don’t always find that immediate connection with the girls I meet, but something inside of me says that I should be open-minded when it comes to new people. I just don’t want to be disappointed again if a friendship may be fractured or destroyed in the future, so perhaps that’s another reason why I don’t like initiating conversations with girls.

One of the things that matters most in my life is the quality of friendships rather than the quantity of friendships. I’ve always believed in this philosophy, no matter how many times I have strayed from it. At the end of the day, I am so grateful to have my friends, even if they live thousands of miles away from me. I’m always a flight away from seeing them, but for now I will continue to enjoy communicating with the girls via FB, text messages, BlackBerry messages, and of course – a cell phone.

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