I Am Leaving Miss Perfect….

Do you believe in the idea of star-crossed lovers? Romeo and Juliet? Lancelot and Guinevere? I believe in such idea because this happened to me before I met Robert. I realize you’re probably wondering why the hell I’m writing about such experience, considering I am now married. Just wait and continue reading. It is the story of such experience that helps me restore my faith in true love when Robert came into my life.

Star-crossed lovers are those who are brought together through circumstance only to be torn apart by fate. Whether it’s family, distance, time, or moral differences that prevent two people to be joined as one, the theme remains the same. When I think of star-crossed lovers, I think unbridled passion, stupid arguments, and young foolish love. Passion. Isn’t that a word in the dictionary? Doesn’t it mean: a powerful emotion, such as love, joy, hatred, or anger? Isn’t it something that refers to what Romeo and Juliet once had? How many of us have ever felt it? Not many. Remember, I am talking about passion, not lust. People who are passionate love hard, hate hard, and have a joy for living others can only envy.

Whether you are a believer of the concept of star-crossed love, fate is the common thread in any situation. You see – fate can be a terrible or wonderful force to reckon with, depending on the action the person chooses. Even if two people are ill-fated souls, I believe it is their dogged spirits and faith in each other that can really change the outcome of their love story. There’s something so devastatingly beautiful and heartbreaking about two people who are so absolute about their love for one another, but they are forever tortured knowing that they cannot and will not be together.

Before I met Robert, there was one person (let’s called him Mr. X) that meant anything and everything in the world to me. Many nights were spent laughing and crying on the phone spanning an off-and-on long distance relationship, including plenty of ridiculous fights from 2002-2005. God, Mr. X and I were so young – still in college and trying to find our ways and purpose in life. I think chance can be considered as having an opportunity to do different things. Fate may be considered to be the sickness and death that all beings must experience. I do believe in fate to a certain extent because sometimes there are just too many coincidences bringing the right people and the right events and the right situations together to make me believe that it wasn’t a situation of “This is what I’m meant to be doing right here, right now, this is perfect.”

Chemistry is hard to define sizzle between a man and a woman, and it was based upon chance to see if we had that chemistry or not. It’s like bringing together the exposed ends of two live electrical wires and watching the sparks fly. The key to creating and sustaining chemistry is in bringing together the right characters. Mr. X and I had chemistry alright. The first time I laid my eyes on him, I knew I was going to love him until my last breath. Love has NOTHING to do with meeting the ‘right’ one at the ‘right’ time at the ‘right’ place. Love just happens for no reason at all. It was also chance that we lived so far apart from each other — 800+ miles. I truly think that it was fate AND chance that brought Mr. X and me together at that time. However in the end, it was free-will on both our parts to finally be together but also separate from each other forever.

Just like how all star-crossed lovers end up, Mr. X and I did not survive together. It was a combination of a lot of factors that ultimately drove us apart: time, distance, and wrong circumstances. We just knew we were better off without each other. For days, weeks, and months my heart was broken – thinking I could never find a love like that again. For years, I clung on to the belief that I will find a person that completes me and makes me want to be a better person. Then one day I ran across this anonymous quote: “You must not allow yourself to be chained to fate, to be ruled by your genes. In order to survive you must choose life, and then LIVE.” Following this guidance, I chose to live – without Mr. X. Believe it or not, life DOES go on after the chemistry fizzles out. I also chose to grow up and grow out of that foolish mentality that true love ends tragically. Then Robert magically appeared into my life and made me believe in a better life with unrequited love. A simple love. A love that does not require 4293940 moving parts or fights over petty things. A love that is designed and blessed by the love gods. You see, one tragedy led to a happy and unexpected outcome. I was right: I could never find a love like that ever again. Instead, I found a better form of love – one that is sustainable and long-lasting. It was as if the stars are now finally in alignment for Robert and me.

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Sometimes when I look at Robert, I am perplexed at how someone can love me unconditionally and accept me for who I am. Robert is truly a wonderful person who tolerates my bratty and bitchy attitude most of the time. Don’t get me wrong – Robert will put his foot down when enough is enough. Similarly Robert’s annoying habits and absent-minded ways can drive me absolutely insane sometimes, but I also reciprocate the same tolerance for him. He and I call each other out on our b.s., and we wouldn’t have it any other way. After all, if you love someone you love and embrace everything about that person, from the good, bad, ugly, stinky, dirty, and silly – right…?? Then again I did mention this in my wedding vows: “In good times and in bad, I will be my best for you. With all that I am and all that I have, now and forever.”

Last night while browsing through my old Livejournal blog posts, I started compiling a chronology of events that were ironic, if not funny and poignant about the evolution of my feelings and thoughts on love which ultimately foreshadow my romance with Robert. Here they are:

October 1, 2011: I married the love of my life.

Isn’t it funny how things turn out in life?

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When I was in high school, I didn’t consider myself desirable or attractive in any way. I had crushes on boys, but the feelings were never reciprocated. I’ve had “romantic” online interludes with random guys since I was 15, but nothing serious ever came out of those innocent chats. I didn’t even have a boyfriend until my senior year in high school when I was 17 years old. I found my first boyfriend online randomly via AOL chat, and interestingly enough – it was his birthday when we first talked. His name is Marc. He was a sweet boy who lived an hour south of my house at the time. It’s kind of scary now that I think about it. My dad wasn’t really monitoring my online activities back then, so I would get away with some things. Gosh, I can’t imagine what my life would have been if my parents were aware of what I was doing behind their backs. Although my parents were extremely strict, they somehow never found out about my meetings with random strangers. I was always relieved when my parents didn’t question my whereabouts, but now that I look back on it – I wished they did find out because that would’ve meant that they cared enough about my life to ask….

In the past, guys have driven or flown to hang out with me. A couple of guys would drive for two hours (one way) to take me out to dinner, and that was it. My rule was to never meet the guys on their territories in case anything happened. The first time I met my third serious boyfriend was when he flew from Philly to see me. I can’t recall a time where I met a guy in a “normal” or traditional setting (i.e., bar, through friends). All of my serious relationships resulted from some kind of online connection, with the majority of them initiated by the guys. In fact, I met Robert on MySpace, and just like previous relationships – he contacted me first. I guess I’ve been *lucky* when it came to meeting strange guys in real life. Yes, a lot of things could’ve happened to me, and I’m so grateful that nothing did happen to me. Every time I went out to meet someone, I wouldn’t tell my parents. I’d tell at least one friend though. Yeah I know – VERY naive of me.

So yes, I was never the girl that guys would think of when you ask them who their crushes were. Yet, something happened in my life to change all of that. I discovered the secrets to make guys go crazy over me. This girl is not going to kiss and tell, but I’ll tell you this, one of the secrets is: just be yourself. How simple is that! I realized that the more “real” I am with guys, the more attracted they are to me. I played mind games and did stupid shit through the years, and none of that ever worked (or lasted). Excuse my arrogance but there were a few guys who have asked me back after I refused to. In one instance, a married guy (ex co-worker) admitted that he was in love with me in front of his wife AND Robert! Yeah….that was interesting to say the least! This guy claimed that he *knew* he loved me when he first met me even though (1) his now wife and he were together then; and (2) this guy knew nothing about me. This guy definitely had mental issues, and it’s a good thing that I severed all ties with him when things got more bizarre. It was UBER creepy!!! I mean, WHO does that?!

Every time I’m friendly/nice to a guy, it appears that the guy gets the wrong impression. I don’t know what it is! I don’t think I possess any extraordinary traits or skills that would captivate someone’s attention. Maybe it’s because I’m a good listener? Maybe it’s because I’m charming? It just amazes that for 17 years, guys would never take a second to get to know me. Nowadays, they stop and talk to me because they want to. I’m always curious as to what triggers this interest for the guys. Is it because of my personality? Is it because they know I’m unavailable, so the chase becomes more exciting because they know they can’t have what they want? I know I’m unique, but that doesn’t make me special enough to catch someone’s eyes. Right?? In a way, I found solace through online dating because I could be whoever I wanted to be. I suppose there is something sexy and mysterious about a girl who’s scared to show off her true exterior. If a girl expressed her problems to a guy, the guy becomes attentive and worried. He wants to help her. It is SOOOOOOO tempting to drop everything and “rescue” her. Maybe in some barbaric ways, he wants to show her that he can make her forget about every problem she has. In his mind, he wants her to know that it’s okay to talk to him. Yet she pushes him away, subconsciously testing him. She wants to see if she can push him over the edge. Will he succumb to the frustration or continue to push back? Is it all mind games? It’s all relative. Yet, he wants to be her hero. He wants to rescue her from the chains of life. He wants to embrace her, shower her with adoration, and support her.

Yet………..

All she really wants is time. Time to find herself. Time to show people that she’s as fragile and sensitive as the next girl. Of course, she would NEVER admit that because of her stubborn nature. But most importantly, because of her pride. She doesn’t want to be rescued. Or does she? As much as I hate admitting this, I’ve become this “girl” over the years. This “damsel in distress” character eventually captured the hearts of many foolish boys, but none of it mattered because something would always prevent me from being myself. Perhaps my intoxicating, neurotic personality was just too overwhelming for these boys. There have been many fallen heroes who couldn’t handle being with me or being around me. And that’s why I love Robert so much. He did rescue me, but most importantly – he never gave up on me. While I never believed in fairy tale endings, I’m hoping to make my own one day and not be this girl anymore.

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